How to Avoid All or Nothing Thinking

Picture this. You finally got over your self-doubt, and you have started making your opinion
known. You’re setting boundaries. You are asking for the promotion and the new headcount you
need. Things are going well—you contribute more often, you leave meetings feeling proud, you
notice people aligning to your recommendations.

Then one tough meeting happens. You are sharing some recent data in support of your team’s
growth strategy in front of a cross-functional executive committee. And you are interrupted. It’s
freaking Todd. He starts with his normal go-to transition “Devil’s advocate here…” and proceeds
to discredits your initiatives.

You freeze. You feel yourself turn red. Your voice shakes. You lose your train of thought. You
fumble through your response. Even though you addressed his concern, after the meeting, you
start doubting yourself.

You say to yourself…
“Back to square one.”
“There goes all of my progress.”
“Why do I even bother?”
“I don’t think I am cut out for this.”
“Maybe I should have went to law school.”
“Todd ruins everything, all of the time.”
“Why is everything so hard?”

Why This Happens

If this soundtrack is familiar, there is nothing wrong with you. You are a human with a brain who
wants things to be easy, and one of the ways your brain keeps things low impact is to categorize
occurrences as simple: black and white, right and wrong, good and bad.

Your brain does not want complexity because it has other things to do- like regulate your
heartbeat and lungs and ensure you can drive your car, answer emails, spell words like
“chrysanthemum” and other things…

So, your brain wants an easy job and as a result, only sees polarity. Psychologists call this pattern
the all-or-nothing trap. When this type of thinking takes over, solutions, helpful perceptions,
positive thinking and your progress vanishes in your mind—because your brain wants to keep it easy-breezy and it sees one side of the story: The negative one where you suck and never should
have even tried.

Your brain is wired to keep you alive in a manner that is as comfortable as possible. When you’re
stretching outside your comfort zone, like advocating for yourself, your team or handling an
intimidating audience, your brain craves simple categories. This leaves no room for a middle
ground, or partial credit. This is why you may see any setback as a permanent failure and one
shaky meeting, or one mistake becomes a reason to give up entirely.

But the truth is, the most confident and successful women learn to see this automatic track and
interrupt it, so those grey zones become more in focus vs. the absolutes. This takes awareness
and practices so you train your brain into accepting two things can be true.

It is true that you are both improving and learning. It is true that you are both right and can be
perceived as wrong. It is true that you are wonderfully perfect because of your imperfections.
Next time you find yourself going into a hole, because of the Todd’s, the economy, your boss,
annoying coworkers, a setback or a stressful day, here is a way to train your brain to get back on
solid ground.

Be Aware of the Pattern

You can only change what you see. Become aware of what all-or-nothing thinking sounds like
for you. Often the pattern comes across as if-then statements if you are future-tripping, or
absolute truths if you are ruminating.

Here are some common thoughts my clients have:

• “If I can’t get this initiative approved, I’ll be a complete failure.”
• “I got flustered again— I’m such an idiot.”
• “If this meeting doesn’t go well, then I wasted all of this time.”
• “If Todd is going to be there, then I am going to look stupid.”
• “If this doesn’t work, then I am not cut out for this.”
• “I am not cut out for this.”
• “I am constantly fighting a losing battle.”
• “I am simply not ready.”
• “I am tired of always working and never getting results.”

These are examples of distortions, not absolute truths. See them for that, and you are half-way
there, Lady.

Think the Next Right Thought

After you catch yourself in the all-or-nothing think-trap, the most effective way to stop the slip is
to think the next right thing. There are two ways to do this: One is to correct your thinking and
the second is to use qualifying language (like “yet” or “even though”).

When you correct your thinking, you remind yourself that two things can be true, and one
setback, awkward conversation or missed shot does not define you or your results, forever and
ever amen. Simply reminding yourself that two scenarios can exist- one where you are leading
and one where you are learning- is a great way to ground yourself before further panic sets in.

Another easy way to get through the moment, specifically if you are not ready to accept another
truth, is to add “yet” or “even though” to what you are thinking. Both qualifications acknowledge
what is current--that you don’t have the result that you want, or that awkward thing happened--
but the thing that you’re obsessing over is not forever ever. So, if you bombed something, you
acknowledge what happened, but avoid attaching permanence to it.

Here are some examples of how to take the all-or-nothing thoughts above and change them into
the next right thing.

• “This initiative is not approved yet.”
• “ This is initiative is not approved, and I am learning along the way.”
• “I got flustered, yet I am human.”
• “ Sometimes I get flustered, and sometimes I am confident.”
• “Even though this meeting didn’t go well, I can recover.”
• “Leaders are born from imperfect meetings.”
• “Even if Todd is going to be there, I will deliver my message.”
• “This doesn’t work yet, and that is okay.”
• “Even if I don’t get the results immediately, I will keep trying.”
• “I am constantly fighting, yet I know ease will come.”
• “I am not ready yet, but I will be soon.”

The next time all-or-nothing thinking tells you that you’re not cut out for this, remember that
your growth lives in the valleys, not just the peaks. One of the most important things you can do
for yourself, is recognize this and handle the thinking that deteriorates your confidence. Any
setback is not happening “to you” it is happening “for you” but they still suck. So handle them,
keep going, and keep growing.