How to Ditch Over-Thinking, So You Can Own the Room

Let’s face it: corporate life comes with high stakes, tough deadlines, and a good dose of drama and often times, Bruh culture. And if there’s one villain lurking in the shadows- it’s not Robert who talks over you and it’s not A.I. or robots-  it’s rumination—those endless mental loops that leave you obsessing over current situations, replaying past mistakes and blaming yourself for cringe-worthy moments. Today I am going to cover what rumination is, why it disproportionately affects women, and how to break the cycle.

I like to think of rumination as a constant blooper reel, but instead of laughing about the error, you shrink from it--for days, weeks of even years, if you go pro. And while all humans deal with rumination, women handle it differently than men. Men tend to blame others and turn their attention outward. But women turn the attention inward, dissect their mistakes and blame themselves, engaging in self-criticism like it’s a sport.

As a former professional ruminator, I have one moment that was my favorite to obsess over. It was the time I worked at an agency. I was 24 and cared more about what others had to say about me versus what I thought about me, so I was always trying to lighten the mood in a culturally toxic environment. One of the ways I did this was using humor.

We had to do a brainstorm on an adult diaper brand launch and the entire team was stressed and the deadline was very tight. When we kicked off the brainstorm, I could tell there was a point of tension between the head of accounts and the head of creative, and it created tension that was unbearable. While the meeting was supposed to be energizing and inspiring, it was painfully quiet. To cut the tension and what felt like hours of quiet when no one was throwing out ideas for the campaign angles, I decided it was time to lighten the mood, so I said “how about oops, I crapped my pants” – referring to a SNL skit from the 1900s.

Not only did no one laugh, but I turned bright red, and almost literally did dirty my own pants from embarrassment. I didn’t talk the rest of the meeting. I just took notes. They were outstanding notes. Now my silly comment did not de-rail the meeting. If anything, it actually got people moving forward with dialog, and we had a great brainstorm. I didn’t receive a talking to from my boss. No one even remembered it- but they didn’t have to, because it became a dominant reel in my head for months!

I carried that moment with me like a wubby. Whenever I would think of this instance, I would chew on it like taffy. I would agonize over it and say:

• What was I thinking?
• I am so unprofessional.
• I am not funny! Humor does not belong in the workplace.
• I don’t belong here.
• I will never be taken seriously ever again.
• Why can’t I just be quiet?
• I worry about sounding stupid, and now, good job- I sound stupid.
• They must think I am a horrible person who makes fun of consumers.
• I belong in hell.
• No one likes me.

That one instance held me back in meetings for a while-I’d just put my head down and offer to scribe. And sure, it wasn’t a professional action, and it wasn’t a helpful add, but it also didn’t define me, and I gave that moment more power than it deserved.

You already wade through workplace politics and societal expectations, you don’t need more B.S. So instead of carrying your past awkward moments, mistakes or errors around with you like a trapper keeper, ditch that zero and be your own hero.

What Is Rumination?

Rumination is the act of dwelling on distressing situations or perceived failures—on repeat. Rumination is like pressing "replay" on the worst track in your playlist—over and over again. It sucks the fun, creativity, and confidence right out of you.

Rumination shows up in a variety of ways:

• Replaying past conversations (“Did I come across as too aggressive?”)
• Obsessing over future scenarios (“What if they think I’m not ready for that promotion?”)
• Over-analyzing feedback (“They said ‘good job’… but did they mean it?”)
• Making self-accusatory comments (“When will I stop being an idiot? What the hell is wrong with me?”)

If you spend time ruminating, you may tell yourself you are being reflective, but you don’t confuse rumination with its non-inbred cousin, Reflection. Reflection is unattached, compassionate and leads to insight. Rumination leads to paralysis and diminishes your ability to be effective and reap the benefits of your greatness.

Women Are More Likely to Ruminate

Research shows that women not only spend more time reliving their setbacks, but they are also more likely to believe whatever went wrong is all their fault. While men practice self-defeating behaviors, men are more likely to acknowledge the mistake, potentially blame outside circumstances, and then move on.

Here’s why women might end up stuck in rumination mode:

• Cultural Expectations: Society loves to tell women to be likeable and competent, which can fuel perfectionism and overthinking.
• Imposter Syndrome: If you are at table where you don’t believe you own a seat, that sneaky little voice whispering, “Who the heck do you think you are?” is even louder.
• Workplace B.S.: Dynamics like underrepresentation, or just general crap like being interrupted in meetings or overlooked for promotions, can trigger heightened self-monitoring and self-blame.

The Impact of Rumination

Rumination sabotages your A-game because it inhibits your ability to act and/or remedy the situation. When you’re too busy second-guessing that presentation or obsessing over that typo in an email, you’re missing out on shining bright and seizing opportunities. Creativity and innovation? Agile decision-making? Forget about them when your brain is stuck on rewind. You can’t access the power you have in the moment  when you are stuck in the past.

Rumination can strain relationships because instead on focusing on the other person, you are obsessing over your own negative self-talk. If every moment you speak to your boss, you are obsessing over the side-eye she gave you months ago, you are going to be nurturing negativity, not your own brilliance, and you will likely not be listening to her with your full attention because that voice inside your head is shouting over what she is saying.

Because rumination amplifies the feedback loop of self-doubt it is mentally exhausting. Chronic rumination is considered a risk factor for substance abuse. You are literally creating hell in your own mind. This can lead to negative coping mechanisms like over-drinking, eating or shopping, to numb the voice inside.  

How to Overcome Rumination

Recognize the Patterns

Awareness is key. When you start to sense your brain going into overdrive, pay attention. One easy way to know if you’re dancing with the devil is to tune into your feelings. If you are feeling emotionally exhausted, or unnecessarily nervous or self-conscious, those feelings could be signs that you’re ruminating. Journaling works wonders for connecting the dots and seeing those repetitive thoughts.

Practice Self-Compassion

Beating yourself up over mistakes is like over-tweezing your brows. Stop. Treat yourself like you would a loved one when they make a mistake. Even if the error was debilitating, you created a lesson- not a lesion. Reframing the event into a learning is critical. You are a human living on this earth for the first time (unless you are aware of any past lives-which is cool). You are going to do this living thing imperfectly because you are supposed to. Cut yourself some slack.

Set Boundaries

Here’s the truth: you don’t live to work- specifically if work is causing enduring self-flagellation that diminishes this gift of a life you have. Set some serious boundaries between work thoughts and your life. Healthy distractions like exercise, time with loved ones, and even reading or listening to a positive or funny book/podcast can help.

Focus on Problem-Solving

Turn that mental marathon into a sprint. Stop asking “Why did this go wrong?” and start asking “What’s my next move?” Problem-solving is empowering. You are not the problem. You are going to determine the solution.

Here’s the deal: rumination might be a problem, but it does not have to be your practice. By kicking overthinking to the curb and stepping into your power, you can unlock your full potential. It starts with giving yourself permission to be imperfect, learn and move on.